Held...

Webster's Dictionary defines this word that has come to my mind quite often the past year in the following way:

Held: to have or kept in the hand, to bear, sustain or support with or as if with the hands or arms; to conduct or carry on; to keep in the mind, believe: held certain beliefs, to maintain a grasp, remain fast...etc.

This past year has been one of the most significant, wonderful, frightening, difficult, frustrating and amazing years in my life to date.

My husband, Peter and I found ourselves in the midst of many "firsts" all at once.  Most of which included our baby girl, Clara being born three days into Peter's first year of law school.  We have experiences blessings too numerous to count, and although I know it could have been far more difficult than it has been, it was still challenging.  Hard on our family, our marriage, on my sense of identity.

As I feel so stretched sometimes- in discovering my new role as a mama, as well as balancing my job and being there for my husband the best I can through this law school experience, and struggling to make ends meet financially; I simultaneously feel a tremendous sense of peace.  I simply feel held.

There are many reasons for this, most of which include an incredible family support system we are so blessed with.  It seems that every time my hope seems to falter and I spin my wheels of worry, there is a friend or family member who does something to remind us that we are just that. Held.  We have been reminded that even though our family faces great unknown and challenge, we are held by family.  Held by the Holy One.  I suppose this is how I see God these days, when he/she remains otherwise silent.  

I remember reading somewhere once that, change is the beginning of renewal, no matter how much it hurts at first it can be sacred and refining if we embrace it and let us shape who we are and who we are to become.  We must let it into our very beings.  I am clumsily grasping to do this very thing. 

Lately, as I hold my own daughter the way my mother held me, and still does in different ways- I am frightened for Clara's future, for her world.  I hope for change with a lump in my throat.  I hear about the economy which is crashing down around us, about war, climate change, genocide, about outsourcing and joblessness, about my country who turns their nose at a senator who wants a meager $1000 tax cut for families who make less than $200K/year but in the same breath begs us to approve a 7 billion dollar bailout for Wall St. which would cost those same Americans $10K/family, about how half of my own paycheck goes toward mediocre health insurance for our family.

I am frightened, but still have hope.  As the election draws near we find ourselves in our own family hoping for a country who will elect a person we can look up too, who can bring Americans together again and make our nation feel "held."  I want Clara to have her start in life in a country who's president feels strongly about community, and building peace through relationships.  I want Clara to be able to read this someday and feel grateful for her nation's ability to come out of a recession, end war time, and have renewable energy sources be a part of everyday living.

My highest hope for my daughter is for her to feel held.  By her family and her world.  I want Clara to read this someday and know not only how much her life has shaped who I am, but that no matter how painful change in life and in the world can be she feels held in her life's journey.  I am thankful we get to walk this road together, as a family.  So here's to a better world and a new era for our little ones.